Right…well that was an interesting year !

You know when you reflect on your year in January (like we all do) and think what the hell did I do with the last 365 days!!! Well normally I feel a sense of dread every January, like I wasted 365 days and I’m never getting those days back and I’m going to hit 40 years old and not done anything with my life even close to noteworthy.   This is the first January I can ever remember I don’t have that hollow awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I can hear you say oh well she’s got a boyfriend or she got married or pregnant. NOPE!!! Still single, still Barron and still no sign of having a piece of Jewellery on my left ring finger.  The feeling this January I think is coming from not having that disappointment that every boyfriend has given me every Christmas and New Year because he’s got drunk all holidays and has so many issues of his own that I normally cop their bad mood and shit attitude because I’m supposed to just put up with it.  But guess what I didn’t have to this Christmas and New Year,  yes I still spoke to the Ex and listened to the issues but I didn’t have to put up with them…. its sooo different when you don’t have to be around the drama and you actually have the choice to not be around it.

So your asking what happened.  Well I noticed I stopped writing in February last year and that wasn’t because I fell back into the cycle, the toxic relationship cycle that I did for over 13 years.   I can name 27 mistresses and have so many stories that I’ve started writing a script.  More on that later.

So when I left you last I was looking for a house and desperate to break this stupid mouse running wheel I was on.  And now I look back and think geez why didn’t I just leave but I’m glad I did it in the way I did.  I think life would of been very very very different if I had just up and left.  I stayed in that house with him until June and he paid me a small portion of the profit of the house.  This 100% would of not happened if I left.  (yeah maybe with lawyers but the money would of just been taken by their fees).  I stayed and everyday I found a new reason why I didn’t want to be with him.  Its incredible when you see someone in a completely new light.  I know I would of been that statistic on a friends couch crying over the cheating boyfriend, dissecting everything to try and figure out why he cheated.  But the longer I stayed, the longer I realised, he really was just so mentally unstable, he has no strong parental role models that value marriage and relationships and couple that with no regret or inner guilt process for bad decisions and it is the perfect example of a man that will always cheat and just not care how he makes you feel.  It will always be about how he feels and he makes sure you know it.

So I continued the house hunt to move out, every week without fail, I looked at hundreds!!!  Then it happened…. I looked through a property that was nothing like I wanted, it was tuna tin small and two story that my dog with the arthritis would find painful but I was getting to the end of my rope….I took a offer form.   She said she had another of the same building type around the corner in the estate so I said I would look at that one as well in case the back court yard was 2 meters wide instead of 1 (I’m not exaggerating when I said a tuna tin can). I walked in to view the property and another agent was there showing someone (must of been a duel agent property because no one wanted to buy a tuna can) who I had met several times on open houses previously.  I did the friendly hello’s and thought nothing of it and left to go home to fill out my offer form. 15 minutes later the other agent called and asked why was I still looking it had been over a year and she had no idea that I hadn’t bought yet.  I explained the dog with arthritis and difficulty getting into a freestanding house with two dogs on my budget, she said she has my house and to meet her at an address the following day.  As soon as I pulled up I knew.  I didn’t even get one metre in the door and I said wheres the paperwork.  She convinced the owner to not advertise it and just sell it to me and like that I bought my first house at 39, no husband, no partner, just me.

When I told TCI (The Cheating Idiot) he was just silent and kind of disappeared for a few days.  I was in organising mode so I kind of didn’t notice.  I had stopped caring what he was doing and who he was doing many months beforehand.  So I hired a truck and packed my life into it and drove it to my new house.   He sent a text saying he watched me on the security cameras and said it was the hardest thing he’s ever had to watch.  I responded and said you’ll be fine.  I actually think it was only because I took the dogs and that was the hard thing to watch but because I had to play the character of everything was fine all year, where inside I was a furious, angry, hurt, destroyed woman,  I was able to leave without the drama.  I think of domestic violence situations and women having to just stay because they are trapped and leaving is an emotional, and to them a very physical danger and I know I wasted another year of my life but the only reason I have my own house and was able to leave without lawyers and the brutal drama he would of put on me is because I played that character.  Its so shit we have to not be real to avoid the drama but I know for a fact it would of been a completely different story if I hadn’t.  I remember sitting on the floor of the my new house with absolutely nothing inside and being the happiest I’ve been in decades.  No one to cheat on me or talk to me like shit or make me feel like shit.  I could get used to this. And I worry now that I’ve been here 6 months that I am too used to it.   I love my own time and thoughts and silence to myself and I think its going to take someone very special to change my mind to share this again.

So dating hmmm.  Yet to have a first date.  I’m on that inevitable single merry go round.  Don’t get me wrong I have met loads of men in the last 6 months since moving house through friends and just generally going out every weekend like a single desperado but I’ve only had a connection with 3.  One was very cute and I had actually bumped into him at a bar months beforehand and he told me he was engaged so I wished him well and thought nothing more of it until I was at a bar one night and he sent his friend over to ask who I was and I realised he was the guy from months earlier, we talked for hours about everything, he had split from the fiance and I told him about my freedom … then we took a walk along the riverbank where he kissed me and I thought right …. this is how I break the cycle WOOHOO!!! We text for another week and made plans to have dinner…. then he cancelled…. then he made another excuse for not being able to make dinner another night and then he stopped texting …. Old me would of analysed this but I just thought NEXT!   The second guy was through friends and goddam there was chemistry,  like more than I’ve every experienced in my life, we talked all night at an event with friends and then caught up the following week at another afternoon drinks session with friends and once more at a Birthday the week after before I thought, if this guy was interested he would of asked me to dinner by now but we just keep having sneaky kisses and electric energy every time we are out with friends so I’ve put him in the friends basket but he’s still fun to have around.  The third guy took me by surprise, it was someone I had met 15 years ago before TCI (The cheating idiot)  he walked straight up to me and said he had hoped he would one day bump into me again….cue hours of talking again and texting for two days and plans to catch up.  He lived up North so was seeing a lot of people he had’t seen in a while while he was here for the week as he didn’t come back to the city often.  On the last night he was here he said he would meet me after a birthday he was going to ….  I waited to hear from him until 12 and then went to bed.  I had a message at 2am and thought old me would of accepted that but new me knew a genuine guy would of moved heaven and earth to see me over that week he was here if he was truly keen so I didn’t respond.    Once again I was feeling dejected and I would normally run back to TCI but I didn’t….. well not really.  TCI rings to go see a movie or have dinner but its weird I don’t feel a thing.  I’m not even pretending anymore I just tell him what I really think and if he doesn’t like it then don’t contact me.  In the last month though I have felt slipping a bit and accepting family things and they are all so happy to see me which feels great but I go home and have that pang of guilt that I shouldn’t be getting sucked back in again.   Then he says things like he doesn’t give a fuck what I think and I know I’m on the right path to finding someone that actually cares.

So whats in store for me this year?  I’m working on some scripts and TCI is the perfect muse.  I’m thinking about trying online dating AHHHHH!  I’ll let you know if I do, not so sure I want to take the plunge and possibly end up in a hole with a psycho asking me to rub the lotion on the skin.  So many weirdo’s out there.  But I can say that I’m optimistic.  I turn 40 this year and you never know I might actually have a birthday that doesn’t involve a boyfriend disappearing to screw someone else,  I might get proposed to this year and most of all I might maybe get on the path to having a baby.  Maybe baby.  Anything could happen, I’m excited to the possibilities and hopefully smart enough now to not let anything get in the way of them.

One step forward…two back

Pissing down rain so house hunting was a bust.  Nothing to get me out of the hell I’m in.  The wave of disappointment creeps over like a choking fog.  I look at the clock saying 2.46pm in the afternoon and wonder if I should pour a wine.  I normally jokingly say to myself eh its 5 O’clock somewhere in the world but after downing a bottle and a half every single night for the last month straight, I have a feeling the shakes and mental craziness I’m experiencing each evening before I pour a glass is withdrawals and stuff that I’m not going to go through all the bullshit I’ve gone through and be an alcoholic into the mix as well, so no I’m not pouring a wine at 2.46pm.

So he’s been messaging…. I miss you ….. I love you …. lets move to Scotland together.   WTF!  I haven’t responded, I just give the phone the finger now when his name comes up.   By the way I’ve changed his name in the phone to one of the mistress’s names and my god that worked a treat!  I see the name and remember oh that was the time years ago when he started to tell me not to come to his bar he managed anymore.  No explanation….. just don’t come in.   Of course I went in, one, you don’t tell me where I can go and two why the hell didn’t he want me in there???

So the staff started being strange with me, his friends that I’d see out would be weird around me as well.  I would walk into the bar and he would literally disappear.  Not come up once, like a normal boyfriend when their girlfriend would walk into their bar, like Hi hun I’m busy but have a good night.   I would do my own thing with my friends and ignore the fact he would always disappear the entire time.  Then back home he would be completely normal,  all the ‘I love you’s’ and ‘your the love of my life’ stuff.  I’d ask him where did he go when I’d be at the bar for hours and he would scream at me ‘Fuck I’m working ok’.  I didn’t go to the bar for a while because I just didn’t like the way he made me feel like shit so just avoided it.  But eventually rumours got back to me that he was screwing a bar tender at work…..

That night as he was getting ready he asked me probably 30 times what I was doing that night and kept repeating don’t come into the bar,  I said why would that be?  he just kept saying just don’t ok !  He left for work ….. so I put on a gorgeous dress …. spent 2 hours on my hair and makeup and gave myself the guts to feel like I could conquer anything the night threw at me, even if he had stripped my confidence to shit.  I went into the bar with friends …. I was like I was the big fucking purple elephant in the room.  Staff’s eyes were wide eyed, and as I ordered drinks to nervous bar tenders that knew exactly what their boss had been doing I scanned the room for her.    I actually didn’t know what she looked like but knew a name so was just about to ask if she was working when I clocked a white face at the far end of the bar that said it all.   She spilt the drink she was pouring for a customer and took a couple minutes fumbling the money, knowing my eyes were burning into the back of her head.  Funny thing is, every mistress I’ve ever known about I’ve never said a word to them, I’ve never contacted them, confronted them, nothing, I don’t need to, I knew he wasn’t worth the fight the first time he cheated and I was already known as the ‘poor’ girlfriend that got cheated on and stayed so I didn’t want to be known as the psycho one either.  I just look at them and wonder if they know about me, are they a slut or just another one of his victims he’s sold his story to.

After about 20 minutes she finally made eye contact with me and she just gave me a sad smile that said she wasn’t that sort of girl, the ones that couldn’t care less about the girlfriend and have no value or morals at all.  He had obviously told her everything she wanted to hear and now I was there in the flesh she put a face and a person behind the part she was playing in the betrayal that everyone knew about and now I was facing.

I’m always intrigued by his choices of women to cheat on me with as well.  Every single one has been a short brunette.  I’m a tall, blonde that models and its so painfully clear he feels better with a short brunette.  Better as man? Better confidence?  no insecurities, no one that knows his dark past but not a less attractive girl necessarily but a girl that he doesn’t have to look at himself and feel like he isn’t good enough I guess.  So let me tell you now that I’m not superficial, I couldn’t give a crap how I looked, this is clearly his issue.  He has so so so many insecurities, I just wished he had stopped lying to me and just stick with one of these women.  But no he found out I knew about the infidelity and of course the cycle started again,  I moved out … confident that I could just move on and he would move on with one of the brunette’s but no he just couldn’t freakin let me go.  He chased and cried and pushed for months on end that he couldn’t live with out me and I was his soul mate and blah blah blah and of course some drama would happen and I’d end up at the hospital with either him or one of his family members and I’d be sucked right back in again.

Seeing this written on the page I just shake my head and think how freakin weak was I …. I feel sick how everyone knew and must of thought I was just sad.  Sad for walking into that bar for so many years and they all knew.   Did I not have any respect for myself, hell yeah I have shitloads and I see men doing this to their girlfriends and wives now and have a lot to say to them so why didn’t anyone I mean ANYONE say anything to him.  Was he that good of salesman with his friends and family as well that he sold them his story as well.

So as I look at his messages now again as I type this,  I feel sad for him and all the others he’s probably sending the same messages to at the same time waiting to see who take the bait.  Sorry buddy I’m swimming in a different pond now and know exactly what your hook looks like.

Next !

I think sometimes you just have to suck it up and realise some days are like your auditioning people and things for part in your life.  Like your life is a big production that needs a million different things to make it work and some days there are people and things that just don’t cut the mustard so you just got to say NEXT !

So I didn’t get the house.  Its only the 42nd one I’ve put an offer on (not even exaggerating).  I just can’t crack the market because everyone is offering wayyyy above the value of the property and it just makes no sense to pay off a mortgage on a overvalued house.   Its not all bad I have a feeling there is a perfect house out there just waiting for me to discover it ….. kind of like my future husband ha.  I still get a buzz out of setting my calendar up every Saturday to view every open house in the area.  I shoot out of bed with anticipation, make a traditional hearty breakfast to get me through a whole morning without being tempted by that glorious waft of a bunnings sausage as I drive past it down the end of my street.  And then I’m off!  Arriving at each house like a kid on Christmas morning, so excited to see whats inside and hoping its what I’ve always wanted.   Just like when you meet a guy for the first time…. he looks great in the photos but then in person he needs a bit of work,  a bit of renovation but your optimistic because there are good qualities there. But the more time you spend there, the more you realise there are soooooo many issues and you just don’t want the drama.

I feel like thats what I did for the last decade.  I fell in love with a man that had so many issues and needed so much renovation to his life and mind that every time I thought an issue had been fixed another one popped up in its place.  It was like a house renovation that never ends and makes you cry every day because you put so much time and effort into it,  but the front door just keeps falling off its hinges.  And you can’t burn the house down cause you know its not the answer (and ah just a little bit illegal) but in some way you don’t want anyone else to go through the same heartbreak, I guess all you can do is hope it says abandoned for a while.   So there you go thats my Renovation man philosophy ….. If the foundations are cactus then you will never be able to build anything solid, it will always always have issues.

So my offer wasn’t accepted on yet another house but I think that just means it didn’t make the audition to be a part of my life.  NEXT !!!

Where do I start now ?

This is literally a title, a state of mind and what has stopped me from moving on and even wondering how to write this all down.  Where do I actually start?  13 years ago or today, when I’m finally sitting here seeing the words on the screen for the first time and probably accepting what I need to do.

I know everyone has their story but I’m about to tell you about one that hopefully will make you or someone you know not waste time, their life or inevitably just tears.

So lets begin!  I’m not going to give you the 13 years play by play because I’m sure you’ll get the idea.  We start with a snapshot of me to give you an idea of how ridiculously I am when I fall in love and stick it out when I clearly shouldn’t.  My pattern started at 16 years old in my first relationship that lasted 5 years.  On his 21st Birthday I wrapped 21 gifts and hid them around our house.  I remember being so excited for him to unwrap them.  I waited patiently for him to come home ….. the night rolled past and he stumbled in at 2am drunk and clearly couldn’t open any gifts let lone pee straight into the toilet…. which I cleaned up.  The following day he was too hungover he said to open the gifts, that were still precariously waiting to be found and disappointingly I knew present number 12 would of melted by now.   So day three rolled around and I was upset but still excited for the suspense to be over and the present opening to begin (yes I’m one of these people at Christmas that likes to watch everyone open the presents and see their elation than open any myself) So he said he has friends about to arrive to celebrate his birthday so he will do it later…. as the hours tick by and I watch him get drunker and drunker.  I knew it was over.  And as he threw up later on and I asked him that he should move out he flung his hand up behind him in my face as to say shut up I’m vomiting anything your saying right now I couldn’t give a shit about.

I’m a country girl and have this idea in my head that you fall in love and get married and have kids and you stick by your partner but as his hand flung up in my face I couldn’t see past it or a future with him.

I was single for a whole 3 weeks. Stupid I know,  and it wasn’t a loneliness thing at all but I fall in love so quickly and I was really attracted to the next guy (argh I hate past me such an idiot)  ….. he started cheating on me with a friend of mine after a couple years.  They both denied it of course.  I believed him so we moved to the city where the emotional and physical abuse started.  I’ll never forget him grabbing my wrist, twisting it so hard and slamming me against a wall just because I walked ahead a few paces of him.  So that wasted 5 years with that guy, that I stuck it out with for way to long came to an end and no one to this day knows how horrible he was.

So I was free and this time I vowed to not fall in love with a man that I just keep forgiving his bad behaviour.  If only I could go back 13 years because I would never never ever EVER go on that first date.   I had been single for about a month and was really enjoying time with my friends and just flirting with guys.  I’d only ever been with 2 men and I was in my mid 20’s so I felt I should just get out there and experience it all.

One of my friends hosted a Valentines party with a heap of people and I was sat beside a guy that was very confident and hit on me all night.  It was nice to have a bit of fun but I wasn’t attracted to him at all.  I was kind of glad to learn that about myself, that a guy couldn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear and I would be sucked in,  I actually had to have that chemistry as well.  So a couple weeks later the girls and I had been at the races all day and very drunk, we went into a bar where the girls knew the manager.  Straight away I thought he was cute but I found out he was only 20 and 5 years younger than me so I didn’t pay a lot of attention to him.  I thought noooooo I need a mature man!!!  He kept coming over though and giving us drinks and engaging in conversation with me …. he was incredibly confident and had this charm and charisma that just oozed.  As we were leaving he asked for my number and I said no no no as I walked away.  He followed still asking and I kept yelling back ‘your too young’! but as I got to the stairs he grabbed my hand, swung me around and kissed me.  I was so shocked that I just walked away. WTF who does that.

Then the calls started.  He’d got my number off my friend which I subsequently disowned until she convinced me ‘who cares if he’s too young, you’ve slept with 2 people, get your number up girl’.   I agreed to a date.  It was horrific, he sat there with a shitty look on his face all night and barely spoke.  This is the exact moment I should of knew to run (anyone who can’t make the effort on a date is not worth a relationship … trust me) but I stupidly had my friends voice in my head saying just get out there its only for fun its not like you have to see the guy again.  So I did something I’ve never done in my life …. I slept with someone I barely knew thinking it was going to be a one night stand.  It wasn’t.   He kept calling to catch up again and I thought nooooooo this is ridiculous but in my head I kept saying its just a bit of fun nothing else. (this is where you should listen to reason in your head and intuition because its right) So anyway we had incredible chemistry, everything from food, movies, and all our interests in common.  We started to finish each others sentences and miss each others company and then he told me he loved me after 6 weeks.  (Arrrr!!! Still angry at past me YOU IDIOT)

So yep I fell.  I fell for a one night stand that was 5 years younger than me and I wanted to run,  like run every day from him because I knew he was going to hurt me so why on earth did I stay.   I was drawn to him in such a strange way, plus with his expert sales skills and all the issues in his life that I felt I could help him with, he was the perfect example of how women start the cycle of a toxic relationship.

It was his 21st first birthday (yep another one) a couple months into the ‘relationship’ (I say that losely because it was one sided) that I realised his brother was the guy I was sat beside at the Valentines dinner ….. awkward.  This was the same brother that had an agenda, a pissed off agenda I’m guessing because I didn’t choose him so he pointed out all of his brothers girlfriends at the party.   I thought wow thats a lot of ex girlfriends to still be friends with.  No no no thats current girlfriends!  Oh hell no.   I left.

He called for weeks, begging to see me.  I ignored everything until he walked up to me on a night out and asked what was wrong.  I said I’m just not that sort of girl,  I’m a one man sort of girl and I expect the guy I’m with to be a one woman sort of guy.  He apologised and said he thought we were just having some fun which I blamed myself for it because that is exactly what I said it was and never defined the line.  So we started hanging out again.  This is when I knew I was addicted,  I was addicted to the fun lifestyle he offered and the drama and the make up sex.   I never thought ever I would be one of those people that forgives someones bad choices because I was in love, I really thought my head was stronger than my heart.

I found a note from a girl in his room one day and literally thought if I confront him it will just cause an argument so I would brood for a week and we’d have a fight then make up.  It was such a toxic toxic toxic pattern.

About a year later we were at a bar and a girl come up to me and said  ‘I slept with your boyfriend last night just thought you’d like to know’.  It felt like I’d been shot.  It had gone from me denying it in my own head to it being very public and a lot of other people knowing now that I was being cheated on.  Weird as it sounds I was worried about people thinking I was weak and that I was ok with a cheating boyfriend not about the cheating itself.  This is where the pattern begins of just not forgiving him but actually not seeing cheating as a deal breaker.  And god dam it should be !!!

I remember leaving the bar bawling my eyes out, I ran down the street and laid on the cold cement in a empty parking lot just crying and crying.  He found me and kept apologising and saying it was her and he didn’t stop it and he should of.  Then he did something that all women should recognise as a huge red flag and once again I shake my head that I didn’t cause I was about to hear this scenario for the next decade.  He started victimising himself, he said over and over I’m a piece of shit,  I don’t deserve you, I’m fucked up, I’ve got so many issues and I don’t know what to do.  As much as I was hurting, I have that stupid chromosome in me that is a fixer.   And this started the cycle of him blaming his childhood abuse and the upbringing with his cheating narcissistic father on his bad choices.   The moment I stood by him after that night I should of known it would never stop.  I did not forgive him though, this wasn’t ever about forgiveness because I will never ever forgive him for the hurt and heartbreak but I kept standing beside him because I truly saw a good person that was dealt such a shit hand of cards in life.   Well thats what I keep telling myself why I wasted 13 years of my life.

So I would find out over the years he would have full blown relationships with other women, I would leave and months later he would be in tears saying he can’t do life without me.   The day I found out he got another girl pregnant though I moved countries.  And this worked for a while.   My weakness is definitely having him always there saying he loves me.  I’d be overseas having absolutely no contact with him for months and I would meet great guys but they would just disappear and not ever text you again and you feel like shit, like what the hell is wrong with me. And then he would text saying I miss you and I love you so much.  Its that little stupid feeling inside that you tried with someone new and they didn’t like you and then he would always text and make me feel like I was wanted and not alone.  Big mistake,  it wasn’t love… or its his version of his love, which includes lying, cheating and betrayal.

So I returned for family events and we started communicating again.  It was so easy for him I realise because by this time it had been 7 years and he knew my family and everything I loved to make him seem so comfortable and familiar.    We bought dogs together and a house and started a business together. I actually told myself that because I stood by him this is why he changed.  Pffft No chance, the saying once a cheater always a cheater refers to people that stay in a cheating relationship, I know people that have cheated in the past and gone onto new relationships and not cheated but if you stay in a relationship with continuous infidelity then 100% he will stay a cheater.

It had been 11 years and I thought he had ‘changed’ and I was having conversations around marriage and he said he didn’t want to yet,  I let it be because I had friends that never wanted to get married so I get it … but then I fell pregnant (don’t think for a minute it was on purpose because I’m old school and thought marriage should come first).   So anyway he actually left.  Like left !!!  I told him I was pregnant and he disappeared for 3 days, when I finally walked into work and told everyone to leave so I could scream at him that you just don’t to that to a pregnant women he said he didn’t want kids.   I cried for days …. then lost the baby.   The doctor said it would of been the stress that caused it.    I hated him.  I hated him so much for leaving and not supporting me after I’d stood by him through all the bullshit for so many years.   I miscarried for 2 weeks by myself and hit rock bottom.

I moved into the spare room and we put the house on the market.   In the mean time I needed more ammunition to not fold and continue the cycle so I hacked his phone and saw months and years of messages to over 40 women (it made sense now why no marriage or kids with me because he was too busy with so many others)  I was shaking the whole time I read them but I’ve never cried since.  Not one tear, it was like my heart and head finally aligned and said he’s not worth it.

The following month I was having hot flushes and saw a doctor who said I was in menopause at 37 and wouldn’t have children.   My world went from fucked up to completely destroyed.  I’d wasted my life standing beside a lying cheat and for what?  Not married, can’t have kids, I had to leave our business and the house was in his name so I’d have to fight to get anything.

So yes I saw several lawyers and they said it would take a lot of money and time to get anything out of him even with the de facto laws.  I was screwed.  In the meantime he was in and out of hospital with anxiety attacks because of business deals had gone sour since I had left.  His victim move of telling me that his past issues were to blame for his behaviour weren’t working on me anymore.  But this was a new way to get me to care and make me feel like shit when his friends and family would ask why I wasn’t at the hospital.  What gets me is they all new about the infidelity too,  over the years his mother would even cover for him if I found a dark hair in the bed.  He is seen as the nice guy, popular with the whole city and would do absolutely anything for everyone, so his friends and family couldn’t understand why I wasn’t supporting him, they too thought I should just ‘get over’ the years of cheating.

So I was in the spare room,  slowing building up the bank so I could get my own place.  I could of stayed with friends but I couldn’t take my two dogs, my babies, the closest thing I had to kids.  And he refused to feed them or play with them so I couldn’t desert them and leave them with him.   The spare room arrangement worked out fine whilst he left me alone but when he wanted something and I said no he would make my life hell.

It was Valentines day last year when a girl I knew as one of his women from years ago contacted me and told me they’d been sleeping together for the past decade.   I wasn’t even upset, it had literally happened that many times I didn’t have any tears left or emotion to waste on it.  She contacted me for weeks,  sending all the text messages over the years between them.  I think it was closure for her so I guess at least I helped someone.  He would talk about love songs with her that were the same ones for us,  he would call her the same pet name as me and quote movie lines out of the Notebook like he did with me.  It literally felt like he had us on a group text message with anything nice he had text to me for the last decade.  I wonder who else was on the group text?  She wanted to know as well so she put him up on cheaterland.com and wow didn’t they all come out of the woodwork.   He found out about it and then proceeded to scream blue murder at the mistress because of course it was her fault he cheated all this time.   He then spent thousands of dollars getting the comments about him taken off the website and at one point saying on there he was disgusted by the accusations….. he still after all this time and all these women confirming how much of a deceiving piece of shit he is, still thinks he did nothing wrong !!!  He has that typical cheater behaviour of grabbing his phone if I was near it and blaming everyone else including me for his infidelity and my favourite…. he has never in 13 years put anything on his Facebook, Instagram or snapchat about me.  So thats number 1 !!! if he is hiding you from social or public eyes its because he doesn’t want the other women to find out.

So I saved for 6 months and was ready to move out.  We were actually on talking terms by this point because we had literally turned into flatmates but he continually said to me I would be dead to him the moment I moved out.  Oh boo hoo … my loss.

I started making offers on houses and soon realised anything with any yard at all for the dogs was out of my price range so it was back to saving.   I haven’t dated or seen anyone because I know that would just make the living situation even more shit and out of respect for a new partner I would hate to have the conversation of telling him that I was still in the same house as my ex. yuck!  I wouldn’t date that person so before I get into that cycle of being rejected by someone and falling back into the arms of my Ex I’m changing the pattern and setting myself up to not need anyone.  I’m starting a new business, I’ve made an offer on a house yesterday, I’m buying a car in a couple days and I feel like this year I can cut this cycle for good.  In a way I think I’ve needed this last 12 months to gradually fall out of love with him to make sure I won’t want to go back.

This has been such a long long long way to break a pattern so I hope everyone else can just see the signs and tell themselves the cheating man will never change because they have no reason to.  Inevitably when you stand by someone that shows behaviour that disgusts you or just cuts every part of your moral value into pieces and shatters your heart over and over…. they don’t care about you and they certainly don’t love you.  You scream and yell and you fight and then you get over it and he does it again.  In our fights he used to always say ‘just get over it’ like what he did was nothing and I should think its nothing.   Well it wasn’t nothing to me and I can say at 38, I’m no closer to being married or having kids or having that little idea of life I thought I’d have when I was 16 but I feel like anything could happen now.  Like I’ve finally made a change in my life and the universe is screaming FINALLY!!!  Cross fingers they take my offer on the house,  I’m packed up ready to go and this year is going to be crazy I can feel it.  New house, new job, maybe a first date in 13 years eeeek its actually pretty exciting.  Stick with me if you want to see how it turns out.

Where do I start?  I started here ! thank you